(ganked from The New York Public Library)

Dear [Major Media Outlet],

Frustrated by several years of calling, e-mailing, mailing and carrier-pidgeon-ing copies of our current and upcoming books (accompanied by witty and insightful press releases) to you and never receiving coverage in your publication, much less a syllable of response from you, I am quitting my job.  I see now that as [Our Publisher] publishes high quality books of literary renown, award-winning and New York Times Best-Selling titles with nary a television personality writer/illustrator in sight, this quest for coverage of our books in your publication will never succeed.

This e-mail is to inform you that should you wish to respond to any of my innumerable missives of the past decade, you can get in touch with my replacement through [mail@publisher.com].

Having given up on the once-so-promising world of book publicity, I will instead be embarking on a life of crime.  My law-breaking exploits will be mainly confined to breaking into the offices of the printers of your magazine (and other magazines and newspapers of similarly high profile) and replacing the reviews and book-related coverage that you have selected with coverage of books that I feel would better entertain, educate, and inspire your demographic of readers.

I have already begun taking commissions from authors.

Sincerely,

The Publicist.